A Sarah Palin-inspired naturalization examination answer key

Friday, June 10th, 2011
By: Jonathan MontagJ.D.

Last week we all learned something – a unique historical interpretation of Paul Revere’s ride by Sarah Palin. She later had the opportunity to explain how her version of history was correct. Convinced, people then went onto Wikipedia to change the entry for Paul Revere to reflect Sarah Palin’s version of history as the correct version. Steven Colbert demonstrated the technical feasibility of her version of history. It was certainly reassuring that Americans are able to re-evaluate their history and not simply accept establishment dogma as “truth.”

This got me thinking about testing basic American civics concepts. To naturalize, i.e., to become a U.S. citizen, applicants must take a test of U.S. Civics. It is not very hard, but there are right and wrong answers, which seems somewhat unfair, as historical and civics facts, as we see from Sarah Palin, are open to interpretation and modification. Further, it has been pointed out that the “true” answers are not always right, which is all the more a reason to challenge Big Government’s view of history and civics.

With all this in mind, I posted some of the questions on the naturalization examination with answers of a Sarah Palin slant. The answers are culled from Sarah’s statements over the years and some extrapolation, i.e., by walking a mile in her Naughty Monkeys, which was not easy. Take the test and look at the Big-Government answers and see how you do. If you did poorly, re-grade yourself with Sarah’s answer key. And by the way, it is OK to write the answers on your hands. After all, God did it, as Sarah has pointed out, and if it is good enough for God, well …. Good luck!

1. What does the Constitution do?

  • inspires a bus design
  • clings us to our guns and religion
  • anything I think up

2. What is an amendment?

  • fixing the hem on borrowed clothing
  • fiddlefaddling with a perfect document

3. What did the Declaration of Independence do?

  • abolish death panels
  • warn the British they cannot take our arms or our bells

4. What is freedom of religion?

  • the right to worship God
  • believing all ten commandments
  • believing in the revealed truth of the Bible

5. What stops one branch of government from becoming too powerful?

  • crosshairs
  • civilian militias
  • resigning your office to get a reality show

6. Who is in charge of the executive branch?

  • Jesus
  • Smith
  • Wesson

7. Who makes federal laws?

  • Department of Law
  • Activist judges

8. What are the two parts of the U.S. Congress?

  • Republicans and the lamestream media
  • Congresspeople and the vice president 

9. What does the President’s Cabinet do?

  • stores his Koran

10. What does the judicial branch do?

  • legislates from the bench
  • tax and spend liberalism
  • releases personal emails

11. Under our Constitution, some powers belong to the federal government. What is one power of the federal government?

  • Protect unborn life
  • Save Christmas
  • Drill baby drilll

12. Who is the Governor of your state now?

Unfair gotcha question

13. What are the two major political parties in the United States?

  • Republican and Tea

14. What is the political party of the President now?

  • The Changy Feely Party
  • The Socialist Party
  • The Terrorist Party

15. What is one responsibility that is only for United States citizens?

  • love freedom
  • refudiation
  • cutting taxes

16. Name one right only for United States citizens.

  • love freedom
  • abstinence education
  • reloading

17. What are two ways that Americans can participate in their democracy?

  • go on road trips
  • news commentarying
  • not retreating

18. What is one reason colonists came to America?

  • fleeing non-purple majesties and kings
  • so they could speak the one true language, English
  • the salmon

 19. What group of people was taken to America and sold as slaves?

  • the lucky ones
  • George Washington’s farm hands

20. What happened at the Constitutional Convention?

  • A hockey mom was picked to run for vice president.

21. What is one thing Benjamin Franklin is famous for?

  • first president
  • oatmeal
  • what crazy people leave as tips

 22. Who is the “Father of Our Country”?

  • Todd

23. Name the U.S. war between the North and the South.

  • Culture wars
  • the Superbowl sometimes

24. Name one problem that led to the Civil War.

  • Lincoln
  • Gays in the military
  • the lamestream telegraphs

25. What was one important thing that Abraham Lincoln did?

  • He got shot
  • He institutionalized his crazy wife
  • He did not finish his term

26. What did Susan B. Anthony do?

  • started a dollar coin
  • first Mama Grizzly

27. Who did the United States fight in World War II?

  • Big government, feminists, South Korea

28. During the Cold War, what was the main concern of the United States?

  • Keeping warm

29. What movement tried to end racial discrimination?

  • The twist
  • Planned Parenthood

30. What did Martin Luther King, Jr. do?

  • created a holiday in January
  • fought the Los Angeles Police Department
  • got more busses so everyone could have a seat

31. Why does the flag have 13 stripes?

  • it makes the flag look thinner
  • matches my lipstick
  • whatever crap I think up

32. What ocean is on the West Coast of the United States?

  • Bering Sea
  • Russia

32. When do we celebrate Independence Day?

  • Another gotcha question, every day is independence day
  • When hunting season begins
  • Will Smith’s birthday

Posted June 10, 2011.


 

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